| Diane |
My Big Girl |
April 7, 2012 |
....
Happy Easter: I love you!
I Miss you! Easter is a sad day for me and the family, things have not changed much since you died I
I will never forget you, people may go on with there life, like you did not matter, but for me as long
as I breath, I will hold you in my heart. I just can not see further than the day you passed, Brandon
Brandon has a girl friend, he likes her allot. Sierra , is still with her church, Steven has a baby Benjamin,
is just like him, into everything, you would love him, Cheyenne, was working, but she quit her job!
I wish you were here, your were the glue that kept our family together I am lost with out you
I don't write on your site much, I cry, when i see your babies pictures, you were a happy baby, why?
does god does this, you had a life, you were going to be something good, you were a mother I do not understand why God
understand why God took me down this path of life, why baby, I remember the baseball games you were a star
there is no baseball in my home, Sierra does not play any more Cheyenne quit, these days were my happiest
days, I seen yoiur strenth your smile, you had it all, until honey I told you those kids were bad why didn't you listen to me
Hay, Brittany, say hi to all of our family and tell Pauline I said thank you for taking care of you for me Thanksgiving is not the same with out you and auntie Pauline(the cooking is not the same) We miss Pauulines cooking, Brittany this is a tough year, your brother Mike is in Jail, and Cheyenne just got out of Juvenile hall wow! and you dad----he has his own life now, but Sierra is doing goos she is the only one that has her head on right, today, I am thankful for having you in my life, the 22yrs went by so fast, people change, people die, I can not wait to hold you in my arms, again, I remember you as my baby, God took you home? for his reasons and I love him so that he took you home so you would not have to suffer, I miss you and I and baby Grace, she will always be my little girl, even Jamar has changed honey, I can not say anything about what he does wioth her, the only thing I can do is pray to God that he softens his heart so I can see her more, but right now he keeps her away from me like if that is all I need, first God takes you, than Jamar takes Grace and than Mike has a baby and Cheyenne get's introuble what else can go wrong and than Mike goes to jail for 3 months this year sucks, but I suffer with in my heart only God knows why Brit, there is no reason, there is no sense, life is pain and I hope that when you took your last breath you called out to God and he carried you home like a princes, I do not write much on here, Sierra is home and she is with the church, and going to college she has her life and a good one with God guiding her, now I hope your brothers and sisters follow her, to include God in there lives, for me I have faith in God------he is my hope that one day I will hold you in my arms and I can protect you from all of those who hurt you Brit, the pain you had to go through while you were with me I am sorry that I was not the mother you needed and I did not give you that homelife you deserve no excuses I failed as being a mother I thought I was doing a good job, but no I should have taught you that you matter, and that you did not need men in your life to hurt you.....you are my princes and now that I have to put up with Jamar I now know what you have had to deal with and why you were afraid of him, but the law sucks, they do not care if you get avbused or if a child does not want to be with him, his selfishness is going to be his downfall the law says he is her father and I have to go by that but Britt she loves it at our home this is where she belongs and I know she is suffering, I do not say much to Jamar someday the law will see things my way I lost 2 people in my life not one and I lost another one to jail....he is in there because we do not have the money for his fines not because he is not good, all you kids were brought up with love, but life takes a toll, society, politics are so corrupt had the laws protected you, you would be here with us, had the law protected you, you would have custody of Grace, now the law is all about money, I do not have the money to fight for you God is going to have to do it for me as our family changes, I must too, it is hard with you! I want to forgive all of the people who ever hurt you, this includes your dad, I can not get over how he did so many things wrong to you, the words he said to all of you, I chose to stay with him, but God punished me by taking you, I don't need your dad, I never did, all I wanted was to have children and God honored that he gave me 5 beautiful kids to take care of and I failed because the devil took my family, but I pray to God that he wins over the devil and now I have nothing more to lose there is so much pain in our world, so much hurt, you are a lucky one God spared you the pain, but has passed it to me, I remember I was 29rs old, I begged God to give me children I felt like I was getting to old, he gave me your dad, but some how Gods plans changed----God negver makes mistakes he gave me all of you and my happiest times ever were when I was pregnant from you and the others, since than I have not been happy, I will never be that happy again and now with Grace how selfish of Jamar I failed to get you away from him......my heart is not ever going to be the same, I lost Grace, I lost you, I lost almost my mind, Brit, you wrote me a mothers day letter 1 year before you passed,you said your good by to me.....and you said mom i love you and thank you for being the best mom, but brittany I was not the best mom, because I did not know what you were going thorugh and I did not stop those guys who hurt you, I love you so much nothing will ever change that, one buy one God will call us home and I will ask him God what took you so long, that is my thought, God knew you were going to suffer here and people were going to hurt you so he took you home and right from the start all of you kids are special indiviuals, you never loved money or success you appreciated what you had and that is all God wants from us, he wants us to be greatful, and wait on him and be kind to people Britt he gave you more patients and that is all that i ask of the rest of your brothers and sisters to learn to be greatful,and to learn that everything that is from this world belongs to the devil everything, and to say, hay I may not have here on earth but when I get to heaven I will have my mansion, this is true, man are evil all men and the only way that we can be clean as snow is if we become like God and he live with in us, it may mean we have to change our way of life as we know it, for me it has been hard to change my thoughts, now I have to trust in God and accept every thing good or bad and learn to not try to fix it or make things go my way, it will not work, so Britt, I have to say good night next time I write to you will be? i love you my girl Mom
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